Here is a repost of my debut article featured on An Army of Ermas: A New Generation of Disgruntled Housewives. How would you like to be an Erma too? We’re holding a summer writing contest to choose two new Ermas to join us. Show us your funny!
A few weeks ago, my husband and I sat by the river talking about the good old days when we were kids. It was one of those “remember when” conversations that old people have. Here’s how it went:
“Remember when we never wore shoes in the summertime?”
“Not one of us stepped on a rusty nail.”
“Ever wear a bicycle helmet when you were a kid?”
“Did they even sell helmets back then?”
“Remember lawn darts?”
“Oh my gosh! Lawn darts! I loved that game!”
“They’re illegal now.”
“Yeah, just because some kids couldn’t play by the rules and got impaled by a lawn dart.”
“I never knew anyone who got impaled by a lawn dart.”
“We should get some.”
So that’s how it all began. This is the journal documenting the procurement and demise of one set of vintage lawn darts.
The search for lawn darts is on! My first google search reveals vintage set on Craigslist for $175.00. That’s a little more than I wanted to spend. Seems lawn darts are scarce.
Today I modified my search terms and discovered plans to make my own set of lawn darts using a potato and a penny nail. Emailed plans to my clever and talented father, who also happens to own welding tools, to see if he can make me a set of lawn darts, minus the potato of course.
Father replied in the affirmative but will require plastic fins. A new google search reveals website selling replacement parts for lawn darts. While it is illegal to sell assembled lawn darts, one can purchase all parts necessary to build their own set. Cost to build set of four: $400 plus shipping. Cost of little plastic fins: $50 each. Back to Google.
Received email from father. He found set of vintage lawn darts on Craigslist for twenty bucks and rushed over to meet the man for the “exchange.” Noticed nasty scar on forehead. When father asked why he was selling so cheap, the man said he found them while cleaning out the attic. They were meeting in a trailer park. Ah well, father says lawn darts in the mail tomorrow. Only $12 for shipping! So excited!
Still waiting for lawn darts to arrive in mail. Getting anxious as I am certain mail lady has discovered valuable contents and swiped my package. Calling father to see if he insured illegal lawn darts.
Lawn darts have arrived complete with original “Jarts” brand packaging and Official Rules! Raining today. Can’t wait for the sun to come out!
Sun is shining! Took Jarts to river and sat down to read the rules. Safety, blah, blah, blah, warning, blah, blah, blah, okay here we go: Place plastic rings 25’ apart. That seems kind of close. Threw first lawn dart and overshot by about fifteen feet. Placed rings further apart in order to get more height. Made up own scoring system as official rules too complicated. Husband won first round of lawn darts! 21 to 6! I love this game!
Targets are a bit small when placed further apart so went to Walmart and bought two hula hoops for $12. Played second round of lawn darts at river. Husband won again 21 to 10. I’m getting better! Husband says I need to work on my stance.
Husband says I’m leading with the wrong foot and need to adjust my grip. Husband won again 21 to 16. I’m showing signs of improvement!
Getting tired of walking back and forth to pick up lawn darts. Suggested rule change: each player stands at opposite end of lawn dart playing field (in safe zone of course!) Husband skeptical so went to Walmart to buy bicycle helmets. $24.99 each. Mine has pink flames.
Following my opening toss, husband refused to play with new rule change. Back to walking. Dropped lawn dart on husband’s foot. Took husband to emergency room and claimed accident with rake. Husband received tetanus booster and paid $50 co-pay. No stitches! Note to self: the wearing of shoes is probably a good idea when playing games with pointy tipped objects. By the way, husband winning 16 to 5 at time of accident.
Decided to practice while husband at work. Nosey neighbor kid came over to tell me lawn darts are illegal. Gave him ten bucks to keep his mouth shut then challenged him to a round. I won! I won! I won! Plus, I got my ten bucks back! Invited him back to play again tomorrow. He said he didn’t have any money so I told him I would consider all wagers.
Husband won again 21 to 4. If he tells me one more time how to grip the dart…I’m starting to hate this game.
While practicing the finer points of “the grip,” accidentally released lawn dart in backwards direction hitting husband in shin. Spent another afternoon in the emergency room. When doctor inquired as to cause of accident, I said he tripped over hose and fell on the rake again. Husband said, “She hit me with a lawn dart.” Doctor not amused. Got three stitches and paid $50 co-pay. Tried to make husband feel better by saying at least he didn’t have to get a tetanus shot. Husband not up for playing today.
Looked out window to see husband in driveway talking to neighbor boy and neighbor boy’s father. Boy he looks mad. Husband gave the little snitch his $10 back plus vintage Star Wars Boba Fett action figure. Husband looks annoyed but stitches healing nicely. Maybe he’ll want to go play a round of darts?
Husband posted ad on Craiglist:
“Found vintage set of lawn darts while cleaning out attic. $20.00”